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Kazuya
[P.H.R.I.E.N.D.S] Episode 3: "The One Where the Phans Get Mail"
(Third sitcom thread, yay.) "You got mail." [The computer vibrates or something on the desk as the people laugh their asses off. Kazuya would rush from the bathroom with nothing but a wet towel around his waist going all the way to his ankles. The young man looks at the computer and nods.] Hey, I got mail! [Kazuya has, indeed, got mail. He decides to check the damn thing, and then he notices something strange.] Hey, I got mail, but this message isn't meant for me! What EVER would I do in this situation? [He says as he looks at the camera and some guy literally dies of laughter. The door to his apartment is, of course, unlocked like in every american sitcom there is to know.]
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Jiyu kicks open the goddamn door, making it fall down. "What's up fuckers?!"
BonafideMonafide04
A costumed figure breaks through the window. GUYS I LOST MY KEYS AGAIN THE EFF
Kazuya
[The people fucking...laugh or something as the pair get inside of the house and stuff.] What are you doing in my house you pair of strangers humane people!
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Jiyu stands on the door. "First of all, I heard that there's free mail here, second of all, your door was unlocked."
BonafideMonafide04
I CANT FIND MY KEYS I LOSE THEM EVERY EPISODE *laugh track*
Kazuya
Okay that's actually kind of fair, but you could've at least...I dunno... KNOCKED FIRST! [The young man massages his temple before stepping out of the way.] "You got Mail" [The computer keeps saying.] See? Just check it already
Sayaka_Miki
And as always happens in these shows, at the most inopportune time, the doorbell rings
BonafideMonafide04
Well maybe the mail will help me find my keys I think there might be a key thief. Bona goes up to the computer.
Arisu
Alice, in pursuit of something, climbed up the fire escape in order to reach the window that the costumed figure had broken through. She is holding a large net and has her head poked up above the window sill, spotting the costumed person and grinning devilishly. There you are... Think you can steal MY lunch money can you? Reflecting silently to herself, she now awaits her chance to strike.
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Jiyu literally rolls over to the computer. "Oh boy, I wonder who it's from!"
Takeno
"Honey? Who's at the doooor?" For no apparent reason, the laugh track plays as she walks down the stairs. She then peers at the camera and shrugs with a comical face. "I can't believe so many people got into the house!"
Kazuya
Right, darling? I told you last night you should've locked the door, you know, before bed and such. [04's mail reads as follows "U r a gay", meanwhile Jiyu's read "Get a job, hippie"] Ah! Someone rang or something! [He quickly moves to the door to answer it and such.] I'm nothing but a young adult that came out of the shower and is wearing nothing but a towel, who goes there??? [The crowd laughs.]
BonafideMonafide04
Suddenly, Bona realises that he didn't check the window Alice just so happened to be at, and decided to check it.
Jiyu-Hatanaka
"I already have a job, computer. It's called burning things." Jiyu pulls out a flamethrower from out of his ass and sets the computer on fire while the audience die of laughter.
Sayaka_Miki
The door opens to the sound of laughter to reveal a rather short girl whose upper body and face are entirely obscured by an enormous, duct-tape covered package in her arms. The girl pipes up in the way only new characters do I've got a package for a "Mister Bona". Says he might be wearing a costume to hide from his girlfriend after stealing her lunch money The crowd bursts out at this little slip while the young girl continues her lines The note says he may as well live here.
Takeno
"Put some damn clothes on!" The crowd laughs again as she backhands Kaz and looks at the camera, shrugging again.
Arisu
Her chance having arisen, Alice would stand up and try to jump through the window to catch Bona! GOTCHA!! Little did Alice know, while jumping through the window, the net got caught on the glass and ripped! When the net came down upon the costumed man, he went right through it, queuing the laugh track!
Jiyu-Hatanaka
"Wait just a goddamn minute..." Jiyu points his flamethrower at Take. "IT'S YOU!!" He then sets Take on fire while the crowd dies of laughter again.
Mao2
*a portal from hell opens up as mao falls out of it* Hey guys can I get dome money? *audience is laughing hysterically*
Kazuya
You weren't saying that last night [Kazuya laughs before turning to Miki, the crowd goes like "wooh" or something. He keeps looking at the package in silence and with a single eyebrow raised.] Oh wow, I don't think he is here but let me ask. [Kazuya would then turn around and basically yell without looking at anyone in particular.] ANY OF YOU HERE IS NAMED BONA? [Indeed, Jiyu was trying to set the computer on fire, but little did he know that the computer had a system or something that allowed it to avoid burning. Once the fire disappears, the PC stands there unscratched.] "You got Mail." [The damn thing then stands between Jiyu and Takeno, saving her ass from this retard.] "You got Mail."
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie rolls in.] Guess who's back you beary beautiful people! [A mixture of cheer and laugh tracks play.]
Jiyu-Hatanaka
"Fuck it, I'm calling North Korea!" Jiyu calls Kim Jon Un. "Yo, mah boy. Nuke these fuckers."
BonafideMonafide04
....well that happened *laugh track* And yeah, that's me.
(edited by BonafideMonafide04)
Sayaka_Miki
Sayaka grins and waves to the others, only to get bowled over as Teddie rolls through the door, much to the laugh track's amusement Hey!! Watch where you're goin' punk!! I was here first. Sayaka waves her fist at Teddie from her spot, sitting down just outside the apartment door
hazama-but-RP
Hazama tumbled out of the basement door, coughing up smoke and soot, his perfectly good suit covered in the stuff. The stench emanating from the basement is oddly reminiscent of dead hookers...not that I'd know. "Woo. Uh, don't go down there, for a while anyway." Hazama waved at the camera, smiling at the totally present live studio audience and was met with a mixture of laughter and boos. "Anyway, what's this about mail I heard?"
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie gets up and greets Hazama.] Hey, Haaaaaz! Don't tell me you've been giving people roofies in chocolate pudding again! [He attempts to do finger guns at Hazama as the laugh track plays.]
Jiyu-Hatanaka
The ICBM starts coming down from the sky towards the house, but it misses the house and flies to another country. "Fug."
Takeno
"Kazuya! What did I tell you about spontaneously combusting!" The laugh track plays once more despite the lack of any actual humor whatsoever as she opens the mail. "I wonder who it's from?"
Mao2
I need monetary compensation!
Kazuya
Hey Hazama! Well everyone got Mail on the PC! [Kazuya would point at the PC that Nulls everything because it has Masakado equipped. He would then make a quick gesture as he steps aside from the door.] Please come in, Bona is over there. ... I believe. [Kazuya shrugs and more people laugh. But now Takeno checks her mail.] "Send nudes -TotallyAleph92" [More people laugh, some actually kill themselves because it's too much.]
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Right before he does another retarded thing, Jiyu gets shot in the head by none other than... another Jiyu? "I finally found that Smol.Squidd guy that I've heard about." Smol.Squidd's body fades away.
(edited by Jiyu-Hatanaka)
Arisu
Alice gets up after having failed to catch Bona. What the heck were you even thinking? Who's house is this even and why does this guy say I have mail!? Looking around at the colorful cast of characters, Alice just hangs her head. So it's one of these days... She looks ahead at the camera as the laughter takes over again. Afterwards she'd go over to the computer and wait for her mail.
Sayaka_Miki
Massive box in arms, Sayaka slowly gets to her feet and walks inside, yelling for everyone to hear I'VE GOT A PACKAGE FOR A MISTER BONA, SAID SOMETHIN' ABOUT HIS KEYS. WILL THE REAL MISTER BONA PLEASE STAND UP? The poor girl is hardly visible from behind the massive, duct-taped monstrosity in her arms, but all things considered it can hardly be that heavy
BonafideMonafide04
IM HERE!
Mao2
When did sackita mitch McConnell-chan start delivering packages?
Sayaka_Miki
Satisfied, Sayaka makes her way to the sound of Bona's voice, unable to see him from behind the box, and sets the enormous, duct-taped package down in front of him Here you go, one package for a mister Bona. They told me to keep it super secure and secret, so this is the best we've got. satisfied at a job well done, Sayaka begins to walk back to the door, only to turn and give Mao a wide smirk I've had a delivery business for a whole two weeks, it's doin' pretty well if I do say so myself The girl examines her nails as though expecting some sort of compliment after that
(edited by Sayaka_Miki)
hazama-but-RP
"Why, I would be delighted, thank you Kazie; and no Teddie, not today. That's on Wednesdays, you know that." Hazama enters the household, joining the rather large crowd around the PC.
BonafideMonafide04
OK. Huh. He opens the box, interested in it.
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie waddles over to the PC.] What's going on here, guys? You guys know I'm a curious bear!
Senri_Suzuko
Senri Suzuko suddenly kicks in the door, holding bomb and a pamplet. Who wants to help spread ANARCHISM!?!? Everyone laughs and claps at this Q style flanderization.
BonafideMonafide04
WHAT TEH HECKIE
Sayaka_Miki
Bona opens the box to find a small amount of bubblewrap securing a slightly smaller box inside of it. On this box is a note that reads "You left your keys at lunch again, so we figured we'd take advantage of this delivery thing to get them back to you. Don't worry, no one has to know you lost them again. Sincerely, Bona's friends"
BonafideMonafide04
Noice. I found my keys. I can leave now. He jumps out of the window he jumped through.
Mao2
*mao goes over to the computer* Hey isn't that the haunted computer of Musashi Miyamoto? The one that sends you scary messages from fake accounts?
Yu-Narukami
Yu opens the front door and steps in. "Honey, I'm home!" He then steps out and closes the door.
Ina
*Ina literally walks out of the wall* Hey! *clap track*
Takeno
"Send nudes? How inappropriate!" Crickets chirp for once as she places her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes at Kaz. "Some people. But what can you do?" She shrugs again, prompting the audience to start awkwardly laughing. For a brief moment, she pulls out a slug round shotgun and fires into a random audience member, causing an uproar of applause.
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie turns around immediately.] Welcome home hon- I MEAN Sensei! [Crowd laughter.]
Kazuya
[Hazama's mail says "Keep up the good job"] Woah! Why are there so many people in my house!? What do you want, some BBQ? [Everyone in the audience dies and gets replaced by a single black man reacting silently.] You people
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Jiyu walks over to the computer, types in phansite.net, and presses enter, revealing forum with a thread made by some dude named Kazuya.
Senri_Suzuko
You need to be atleast this furry to be my honey, Yu-kun! Why am I here? I thought I could use this place as a base to plan my overthrow of society! Senri points at Ina. Ayyyy! Are you the real life, or are you my fantasy?
Ina
I don't know. Is this a dream? *Ina starts pinching herself over and over again. Constantly repeating laugh track*
(edited by Ina)
Ene
*Ene breaks through a window and lands in a perfect olympic media winning stance* Hello did anyone ask for unneeded comic relief and exposition~ *She sensually flips her hair sending stray glass shards flying.* Cause I am here! Nyan Nyan!
Ina
Hey! There's only one comic relefi character per episode, and that's me this time! *Ina stares down Ene*
Senri_Suzuko
Nyan? there's a fox girl and a cat girl now? Either this is a furry convention or it's my lucky day~!
Ene
*Ene meets Ina's stare and winks at her with the power of a dead ugandan knuckles meme* This is my city now~ And once my evil plan is complete nya~ *She extravagantly bring up a hand toward her mouth and laughs with a dark look* I will take all the extra character spots from damsel in distress to lovable sidekick! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
hazama-but-RP
Hazama smiles, glad his work is being appreciated. "Ah, how nice. Now, what was this I heard about anarchy?"
Ina
Oh no! *Ina runs like a weeb toward Senri, blocking her from Ene* Don't worry Sensen! I'll protect your character role... Whatever that is!
Kazuya
[The moment Kazuya takes notice of Ene, he would take Takeno's advice and run back into his room. The man finally ditches his wet towel and puts some damn clothes on. After a while he comes out and stands closer to where Takeno is supposed to be, doing his best to avoid Ene noticing him.] Honey, protect me from that woman. She had the tendency to use electricity and keeps her snake pet hidden or something. [Kazuya hides behind Takeno cuz why not.]
Ene
HAHAHAHAHAHA *Ene laughs in the tone of a Japanese person dubbing English* It's too late you former shell of comic relief! I have already taken your sensei's role of repressed nerd! *She suddenly gets all shy and a blush appears on her face* Not like I wanted it anyway bakas!
(edited by Ene)
Ina
Oh heck no! Tsundere is my thing! *she starts slapping at ENE like an idiot*
Teddie-Anon
Don't worry guys, I'll take care of this! [Teddie steals the bass from one of the band members and throws it at Ene.]
Takeno
"Don't worry dear! I'll distract them with the power of excessive force!" She pulls out another shotgun and starts firing, every shot missing Ene by miles.
Kazuya
I never thought I would say this, but an ultra violent girl is hot. [Kazuya slowly looks to the side with a face of shock as that one black dude laughs and stuff.]
Ene
*Two dizzy circles appear on Ene's face as she gets slapped back and forth.* Ene. Exe has now stopped functioning. *Ene is then instantly killed by a thrown bass. Victory music plays in the background and a random voice says "the evil has been defeated".*
(edited by Ene)
Ina
Yay! I HAZ won! *clap track as she hugs senri, tail constantly waving*
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie pushes the top of the suit off, a boo track is played.] O-oh... Okay... [He puts the top back on.]
Senri_Suzuko
Senri triumphetly hugs the Ina and picks her up. And my harem expands! ...I'm not into necrophilia though. Laughtrack as the camera zooms in on Ene's corpse
Ina
*sudden blush all over her face, her head goes into a fever pitch with her tail wagging even faster*
Jiyu-Hatanaka
Jiyu walks over to Ene's corpse and picks it up with a laugh track playing for some reason. "Well, I'm gonna go bury this outside. Be right back." He then grabs a conveniently placed shovel and walks out of the house.
Arisu
Alice, having previously disappeared, returns after the commercial break once the writers received poor feedback regarding her and made some creative changes. She's been retconned into a boy and is now named Alan. Hey there anyone wanna go get some pizza?
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie smiles.] I would love a pizza Ali- I mean uh, Alan!
Senri_Suzuko
I will engage in eating pizza from a non-profit pizza company based on mutual aid! This foxgirl will be my date. And the cat that I will one day create the entire world of Nekopara with
Ina
D-DATE!? *And now Ina has passed out. Laugh track*
Senri_Suzuko
Well, I never needed a conscious date! Don't worry, it's PROBABLY consensual. Ina-chan, blink once if it's consensual!
Ina
*she blinks once*
Ina
*Ina curls up in Senri's arms, murmuring in her sleep* Sensen...... Tail...... Soft..... Zzzz
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie whistles to pass the time.]
Ryoma_Sakamichi
Quickly taking one last look over his script would elicit a groan from the man standing outside the apartment door. He turns back to face the producers with a pleading expression, but no dice. They wave at him to perform and he obliges them. Here goes. The man beats his fist against the door with overplayed anger before barging in. Damn it all! The last batch was all wrong! How could you have all BLEEPed it up that bad!? The man rubs at his temples before heading to the kitchen and grabbing a beer from the fridge. He slams the door before cracking open the cold one. It isn't that hard. We're making meth damn it. I taught you all how to do it! Except for you... He swings his right arm to point at Alan. Who the BLEEP are you!? Murmurs come from the audience at the man's display.
Ina
*Ina's tail floofs up against Senri's head*
Teddie-Anon
[Teddie looks at the man, looks left and right, then whispers to himself.] I-I thought this was a sitcom...
Max_Miller
*A blue haired boy pops out of the floor boards* Apparently this is a crossover with the "Shattering Evil" series. *He then goes back into the floorboards. Laugh track*
Ryoma_Sakamichi
Another sigh escapes the man's lips as he tries to fight back the rest with a swig of ale. Alright look. We've tried all sorts of different methods to make some extra cash...but I think it's time we all got real jobs. The man grins as he pulls out several pamphlets from his back pocket. I figure we can all go work at WcDonald's together! Keep the gang all in one place! BLEEP drug money! Let's go work minimum wage! Cue laughter albeit small. LET'S GET COOKING, SHALL WE? And just like that it stops.
Ina
*ina is still moving in her sleep, ears wiggling and tail wiggling too*
CIA
Uh, you don't get to bring P.H.R.I.E.N.D.S.